Personal Study Prayer

Heavenly Father, God the Creator, Almighty One ... today I wonder why I have been so nonspiritual all my life. How did I miss those lessons that explained how our unseen spiritual world is structured?

I remember being a child, happy running and playing all day long. Then I became a young man with deeper thoughts. But somehow I remained shallow, and silly, and without knowledge of wisdom or of workings of the spirit. However, as I got older I did begin praying for wisdom.

For me some of  what I read sticks with me. And, I had read in Proverbs that some things must be prayed for diligently, for instance, wisdom requires much prayer.

I cherish the wisdom that came to me from my prayers. I held wisdom close to my chest to warm my heart, until one day wisdom became part of my heart. It was like a motor turned on, and my body was changed.

But I stopped there for some reason. I suppose I was satisfied with this. It is good to be satisfied with some things. And I lived for many years happy in this, though suspecting I was incomplete.

It turns out, I am given long life; and, I found later as a man becoming a father, that I needed many more skills, like long-suffering, loving-kindness, purity and salvation, and things of the spirit.

It was then I learned how impatient I had become in asking for these spiritual gifts that I thought I was entitled to. I began looking for short-cuts. During this time, it turns out, I prayed most often asking the Holy Spirit to fill me, my wife, and our children.

You see I was confused, not about the Holy Spirit; but, enlightenment still takes much prayer, and patience in obtaining... I forgot the lesson I had learned on Wisdom.

Back then work days were long, bothersome, fractured, rising and falling. It seemed I went to battle everyday. I became very tired of fighting with everyone, everything, and with being angry. I noticed that when in a state of anger, I am furthest one can get from the Father ....

Anger lasted too many years during family raising. I was very bad, judgmental and belligerent, sloven and coward, and often totally outlandish. Seldom was I wise anymore, and again I stood incomplete for many years. I seek another chance for wising up:

Father, make me an instrument of your peace;
Fill me with the white light of the Christ Mind
Make me a good steward of your gifts
Help me to know what I suspect --
That you have filled the world with Mercy, and,
You seek from me fruit of your Spirit,
that you love us all and want us to live.
AMEN.